by Berry
First off let me say that this is not a story of hope and inspiration. This is a story of one who seeks hope and inspiration. In June of 2010 I was working as a specialist at the Apple store in Bethesda, Maryland. I was waiting on a customer when I became dizzy. I blew it off. A few minutes more it happened again, but stronger. I had to leave the floor and sit down. The manager of the store offered to take me to Suburban Hospital. There they gave me a CT scan and diagnosed a brain tumor. As in many of the stories I have read I was shocked. My wife was shocked. Every family member, and friend was shocked. Fortunately I was able to keep my act together and act as my own advocate. After some less that encouraging interaction with one hospital, (Not Suburban they were great), I contacted Johns Hopkins. This was the best move I ever made. I was educated on my tumor there. It was a Hemangioblastoma near my brain stem. I scheduled a surgery for a few days from then and held my breath. During the operation it was found that the tumor itself was composed of too many veins to be removed. Each attempt caused massive bleeding and they had to close getting only enough for a biopsy. The little grape sized bugger was still there. I went home and debated the risks and benefits of radiation therapy. Finally I decided to have the radiation and LIVE with the side affects. The next few months were nasty. I am a type II diabetic and the steroids to keep the swelling down in my brain forced me on insulin. I am happy to say I am off both those medications now. I gained weight. I was exhausted all the time. I was depressed. So lets fast forward to today March 18, 2012. Things are much better. Not great but much better. My walking is that of an old man. I am 57 but I feel at least ten years my senior. My balance is terrible and I fall now and then. I tire very easily and everything I have tried has been little or no help. So why aren't I happy, happy. Because I am not the man I was. I am not the man I should be. Yes I am thankful it is not worse. Very thankful. In my time at Johns Hopkins I saw many people way worse off than I. But, where I am still stinks. Most of my friends have moved on. I do not blame them at all. My family has a life of their own and they are living it. But I still feel like screaming out IT'S STILL THERE now and then. I was very supported throughout the whole ordeal. My family and friends were awesome. I do not want pity. I just feel like I need someone to show that they care now and then. So I get up every day. I am a graphic designer and can still contribute as a freelancer at home. I can still drive. My life is fairly good. I just ticks me off when I read these stories that everything is now rainbows and butterflies. Well I am glad that some people find that. I am still looking.
